History of American Conservatism and Liberalism

History 101
>
> For those that don't know about
> history ... Here is a condensed version:
>
> Humans originally existed as members of
> small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer
> in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast
> and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
>
> The two most important events in all of
> history were the invention of beer and the invention of the
> wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These
> were the foundation of modern civilization and together were
> the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct
> subgroups:
>
> 1. Liberals, and
> 2. Conservatives.
>
> Once beer was discovered, it required
> grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the
> glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while
> our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be
> invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's
> how villages were formed.
>
> Some men spent their days tracking and
> killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking
> beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the
> Conservative movement.
>
> Other men who were weaker and less
> skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by
> showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing,
> fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the
> Liberal movement.
>
> Some of these liberal men eventually
> evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men.
> Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the
> domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group
> hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to
> divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
>
> Over the years conservatives came to be
> symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on
> earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
>
> Modern liberals like imported beer (with
> lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled
> water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done.
> Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.
> Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their
> women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most
> social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists,
> dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals.
> Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it
> wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
>
> Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly
> Bud. They eat red meat and still provide for their women.
> Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys,
> lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors,
> police officers, corporate executives, athletes, members of
> the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works
> productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other
> conservatives who want to work for a living.
>
> Liberals produce little or nothing. They
> like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the
> production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened
> than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in
> Europe when conservatives were coming to America .. They
> crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a
> business of trying to get more for nothing.
>
> Here ends today's lesson in world
> history:
>
>